This is day five. I’m starting to feel better in some ways. I’m doing really good at work and Ryan has even said I’m doing a lot better. I’m finding myself not really getting mad about anything. I bought some herbal pills that come from a flower called St. Johns Wort that calms your nerves and makes you feel happy. I think it’s working. I’m writing down a thing I need to improve on every night and reading about things that may help. By the end of this month I’m going to be the best. :) hah I hope so at least. But I dunno had a good weekend for the most part. I saw my dad, talked to my sister, hung out with friends, cleaned my house and filled my fridge with yummy food. I’m still a little down though whenever I slip up and let my feelings take over. Still have things to think about, more things to change. This is day five.

This is day five.

I’m starting to feel better in some ways. I’m doing really good at work and Ryan has even said I’m doing a lot better. I’m finding myself not really getting mad about anything. I bought some herbal pills that come from a flower called St. Johns Wort that calms your nerves and makes you feel happy. I think it’s working. I’m writing down a thing I need to improve on every night and reading about things that may help. By the end of this month I’m going to be the best. :) hah I hope so at least. But I dunno had a good weekend for the most part. I saw my dad, talked to my sister, hung out with friends, cleaned my house and filled my fridge with yummy food. I’m still a little down though whenever I slip up and let my feelings take over. Still have things to think about, more things to change.

This is day five.

I hate that it has come to this in order for me to wake up and realize I have to change my ways. I am the most argumentative, hard headed, irrational, defensive person. It really is disappointing to try so hard in nearly all the areas you think need work and ignore the area you need to work on most. But, sadly I was in denial. And now I have lost everything that matters in my heart. What defensive person isn’t though? I think that is the major problem is accepting that you aren’t right, that all the stress you take out on people you care about is brought on by yourself. I can and will change. I refuse to let myself be this person that keeps burning bridges due to my stubborn behavior. I need to be me again, maybe even better. Falling for someone isn’t as easy and flawless as it is in the movies. You have to work to keep that special someone. You have to admit your wrong even when you’re too stubborn to see it. This is day 2.

I hate that it has come to this in order for me to wake up and realize I have to change my ways. I am the most argumentative, hard headed, irrational, defensive person. It really is disappointing to try so hard in nearly all the areas you think need work and ignore the area you need to work on most. But, sadly I was in denial. And now I have lost everything that matters in my heart. What defensive person isn’t though? I think that is the major problem is accepting that you aren’t right, that all the stress you take out on people you care about is brought on by yourself. I can and will change. I refuse to let myself be this person that keeps burning bridges due to my stubborn behavior. I need to be me again, maybe even better. Falling for someone isn’t as easy and flawless as it is in the movies. You have to work to keep that special someone. You have to admit your wrong even when you’re too stubborn to see it.

This is day 2.

It’s honestly hard to let go of the pasts damage and learn to trust again. I spent the last five years of my life tearing at myself wondering why I was never enough. Making countless efforts and throwing my heart out on the floor to be stepped on until near fatal damage was caused. I went through many friends and many jobs trying to find some sort of happiness to replace it. But everyone and every place just stepped on it more. Cold and carelessness to myself and others who made any attempt for the past year and a half, coming to a halt in the end of May, or so I thought. Now today I sit at work high and distraught, I wonder where I’ve left myself, thinking of all the awful things I’ve done still now even though my heart has started to mend. I have something potentially great in front of me, and I still doubt, I still have walls that can’t be climbed, and a shoulder that is a few degrees colder than it should be. I think only of me because I’m the only person who has been capable of making myself not fall apart. If I don’t stop I’m going to undo all of the stitches and healing will be impossible. I hope that I can show you how amazing I know I can be. I hope I can make you feel as great as you have made me feel.

It’s honestly hard to let go of the pasts damage and learn to trust again.

I spent the last five years of my life tearing at myself wondering why I was never enough. Making countless efforts and throwing my heart out on the floor to be stepped on until near fatal damage was caused. I went through many friends and many jobs trying to find some sort of happiness to replace it. But everyone and every place just stepped on it more. Cold and carelessness to myself and others who made any attempt for the past year and a half, coming to a halt in the end of May, or so I thought. Now today I sit at work high and distraught, I wonder where I’ve left myself, thinking of all the awful things I’ve done still now even though my heart has started to mend. I have something potentially great in front of me, and I still doubt, I still have walls that can’t be climbed, and a shoulder that is a few degrees colder than it should be. I think only of me because I’m the only person who has been capable of making myself not fall apart. If I don’t stop I’m going to undo all of the stitches and healing will be impossible. I hope that I can show you how amazing I know I can be. I hope I can make you feel as great as you have made me feel.

“There’s nothing more like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.”

Lost my job yesterday. They said “they couldn’t afford to keep me.” Yeah, that definitely feels worse then getting fired for actually doing something wrong. I really did like that job. Now I’m in a bill filled lake that is taking me down like quicksand. On a positive note I have a great friend for a roommate and a boyfriend that is turning out to be pretty awesome. 

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

*~Marilyn Monroe~*

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